This story's called Mosby at the Bat! 



The outlook wasn't brilliant for poor Ted's romantic life.
He was deep into his thirties, and yet, still he had no wife.
But then, one day whilst grading papers, life sent him a whammy.
A physics prof named Lisa who'd just moved here from Miami.
Professor? She asked timidly.
He answered: Call me Ted.
Oh.
I don't want to bother you.
Please, have a seat.
He said.
I'm fairly new to teaching, and I'm looking for advice.
Every night I practice giving lectures, sometimes twice.
But when I teach magnetic force, I just see eyeballs glazing.
I asked around, and people say your lectures are amazing.
Which is really saying something, because, architecture? Yawn.
And Ted thought 
TED: Psh, yeah, 'cause physics is so interesting.
Go on.
It's just that you're so skilled, and I'm a relative beginner.
If it isn't too much trouble, can I take you out to dinner? I'd love to get some pointers, and I shouldn't keep you late.
What do you say? What do I say? Teddy Westside's got a date! ALL: Hooray! MARSHALL: We cheered.
Ted's off the bench! Our boy's back in the game! Thank God, it's been a hundred years since Mosby scored a dame.
The last time he saw boobies was the screen-test scene in Fame.
The last girl he dated, I think "Righty" was her name.
Hold it.
Let's not all go crazy like some wild berzerkers.
What if this is just a business meal between co-workers? 

MARSHALL: Ted thought back on past failed dates.

Oh, God, that could be true.
How many times have I come home to find my balls are blue? It all depends where Ted and his new fetching young Floridian are standing in relation to that puzzling meridian called "The International Date Line.
" That's right, new theory.
"What's that," you ask? Nobody did.
I'll now address your query! The date line is the border betwixt happiness and sorrow.
On this side, you go home tonight.
On this side, home tomorrow.
MARSHALL: And then, as Barney made some gestures that were rather rude, Ted left to go meet Lisa, in a rather puzzled mood.
Was this a date? He simply couldn't tell how he was faring.
Then Lisa showed up.
Ted rejoiced to see what she was wearing.
For girls at business dinners don't have necklines that revealing! But then a friendly handshake gave poor Ted a sinking feeling.
And so, the night wore on.
And back and forth, the globe rotated.
But still, Ted's curiosity was never fully sated.
How long could this continue? He was truly fortune's pawn.
Then Lisa saw the TV.
Hey, the Yankees game is on! Of baseball Ted observed you seem to have some firsthand knowledge.
To which the lady shrugged and said I played softball in college.
Now the age-old softball stereotype's just that, and nothing more.
Yeah! But as the Yankees got a run, Ted feared he wouldn't score.
For while the date side of the line's the one we all might guess he's in, there'll be no joy in Tedville if our Lisa is a Yes! We win! Then Lisa took a drink and said This may sound kind of random, but there actually is a reason for my rabid Yankee fandom.
I guess I'll just be honest here, though crazy it may seem.
My first week in New York, I dated someone on the team.
Which player? I'm not saying.
Please? What are you, a reporter? Ted's mind began to race.
The waiter came to take their order.
As Lisa said I might like the spaghetti marinara.
Poor Ted just wondered silently TED: Mariano Rivera? 

MARSHALL: And as she said I read this place has great chicken Milano.
All Ted could bring himself to think was: TED: Alfonso Soriano? I want something hearty.
How about blackened miso cod? TED: Is it Joe Girardi? Holy crap, is it A-Rod?! Okay, Ted, calm down.
You've got to get yourself together.
Just smile, be charming, ooze charisma, talk about the weather.
For this might be a date, which means there might be hanky-panky.
So, dude, be cool, relax, don't even Just tell me which Yankee! I'd rather not discuss this here.
But then again, I'd hate to let a silly secret ruin such a lovely date.
If there's an elephant in the room, why don't we just remove it? I dated Derek Jeter.
Here's a picture that'll prove it.
MARSHALL: As Ted looked at that cell phone pic, there were two things he reckoned.
This definitely was a date, but there wouldn't be a second.
See? It worked.
I said some rhymes, and out my boy did conk.
Now let's enjoy the ride.
(brakes screech) Move, jackass! (honk) (crying) Okay, I need a brand-new tale to silence Marvin's chatter.
I don't know, that last one had some sketchy subject matter.
Forgive me, but before you got here, did you smoke a joint? You don't tell kids a tale that crass! NARRATOR: I guess he had a point.
I know, I said some things that were, as you say, kind of questionable.
The truth is, children Marvin's age aren't really that impressionable.
Do you remember anything from when you were this small? Pumpkin picking at age three is the first thing I recall.
Hmm.
Huh.
He won't remember this.
I guess it's true.
It better be.
Or else we'll end up paying through the nose for Marvin's therapy.
Okay, buddy, nice chat, but I think I need a break.
Great idea.